Eyes wide shut.
It’s January. It’s that dreaded time where we all try to be a little bit better. This year I’m trying to cut down on booze. Which is pretty much my resolution every year. I would say I’ve fallen into the typical mummy drink problem but I haven’t. I’ve always been a big drinker. It was always a bit of escapism for me. There was nothing wrong with my youth, my family nor me. I had a really happy childhood and I have amazing parents. I was just always so shy and anxious and alcohol gave me the confidence I so badly craved. It made me able to be who I wanted to be. It gave me strength.
Now I wouldn’t say I have a drinking problem, I don’t drink in front of my kids, nor during the day but I’ve always drunk most nights. Especially at social occasions when it gives me the skills I need. I didn’t drink much at my wedding until the ‘parents’ had gone to bed but after that... wow. I think I went to bed about 5am, my husband and I were the last in the bar and I woke up with rose petals all stuck to my face still in my dress. Classy. Before that I went out most nights. I lived in London and never went home after work. A lot of the places I worked had bars in the office and you could even smoke at your desk. Excess just seemed a way of life. Work hard play hard and I had a lot of fun. Most of the friendships I’ve made have been while drinking together. I am far too shy to have done it the normal way. My husband and I pretty much courted our way round the London bars. It was definitely a shared joy. Then we decided to have children. Another shared joy. Or is it shared?
I love my children more than anything in the world and I really do. They are everything to me. I love being around them and I know how lucky I am. They don’t tell you that your life completely changes though and your husbands doesn’t. No one really prepares you for that and I think they should. They really should. I feel I went into motherhood completely blind and I wonder why people don’t share more about it. It’s like some kind of conspiracy of silence to make sure people still reproduce. It wouldn’t have stopped me but I may have waited until I was a bit older perhaps. I think there are so many wonderful mothers out there who are traumatised by the births, or depressed, drink or eat a little to much and feel isolated. I think it’s shameful to be honest. I’m happy to take risks as long as they are calculated but I like so many other women was just not prepared. Especially about the difference in my husband and i's lives. Not much changed for him. He still went out all the time, saw friends, he always came first where as I felt like I’d gained a baby but lost the rest of my life. Everything I had done before didn’t matter and neither did I. I just felt like his child’s babysitter, a human incubator and milk machine. I really struggled and I don’t want anyone else to feel that way. It’s taken antidepressants, had counselling and its taken six years to find my feet again. Would I do it again for my beautiful children. Without a doubt. I love them so much more than myself but my husband definitely should have supported me more. Woman should definitely be supported more and just told the truth. Women are mind blowing creatures. I really feel we are all goddesses. Woman are strong. Mothers are strong but we shouldn’t be forgotten. This is something that needs to change and I like to change it but I’m not sure how. I’m happy to see that woman are sharing more now and we do seem to be at the start of a revolution. Thank goodness for that. I think it’s about time don’t you? What else can we do though? We need to make it better for women, mothers, families and future generations. They must go into life, marriage, pregnancy and birth with their eyes wide open.
Now I wouldn’t say I have a drinking problem, I don’t drink in front of my kids, nor during the day but I’ve always drunk most nights. Especially at social occasions when it gives me the skills I need. I didn’t drink much at my wedding until the ‘parents’ had gone to bed but after that... wow. I think I went to bed about 5am, my husband and I were the last in the bar and I woke up with rose petals all stuck to my face still in my dress. Classy. Before that I went out most nights. I lived in London and never went home after work. A lot of the places I worked had bars in the office and you could even smoke at your desk. Excess just seemed a way of life. Work hard play hard and I had a lot of fun. Most of the friendships I’ve made have been while drinking together. I am far too shy to have done it the normal way. My husband and I pretty much courted our way round the London bars. It was definitely a shared joy. Then we decided to have children. Another shared joy. Or is it shared?
I love my children more than anything in the world and I really do. They are everything to me. I love being around them and I know how lucky I am. They don’t tell you that your life completely changes though and your husbands doesn’t. No one really prepares you for that and I think they should. They really should. I feel I went into motherhood completely blind and I wonder why people don’t share more about it. It’s like some kind of conspiracy of silence to make sure people still reproduce. It wouldn’t have stopped me but I may have waited until I was a bit older perhaps. I think there are so many wonderful mothers out there who are traumatised by the births, or depressed, drink or eat a little to much and feel isolated. I think it’s shameful to be honest. I’m happy to take risks as long as they are calculated but I like so many other women was just not prepared. Especially about the difference in my husband and i's lives. Not much changed for him. He still went out all the time, saw friends, he always came first where as I felt like I’d gained a baby but lost the rest of my life. Everything I had done before didn’t matter and neither did I. I just felt like his child’s babysitter, a human incubator and milk machine. I really struggled and I don’t want anyone else to feel that way. It’s taken antidepressants, had counselling and its taken six years to find my feet again. Would I do it again for my beautiful children. Without a doubt. I love them so much more than myself but my husband definitely should have supported me more. Woman should definitely be supported more and just told the truth. Women are mind blowing creatures. I really feel we are all goddesses. Woman are strong. Mothers are strong but we shouldn’t be forgotten. This is something that needs to change and I like to change it but I’m not sure how. I’m happy to see that woman are sharing more now and we do seem to be at the start of a revolution. Thank goodness for that. I think it’s about time don’t you? What else can we do though? We need to make it better for women, mothers, families and future generations. They must go into life, marriage, pregnancy and birth with their eyes wide open.
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